Long time coming…
I finished the first draft of my novel over the weekend. I’ve been working on it since the last major changes in the Kindle Unlimited program nearly two years ago.
I’m sure there have been more changes to the program since then, but I’ve basically disconnected myself from all things KU once that change went into effect.
It took me a much longer to adapt than I thought it would, but with this novel finally complete, and plans for others in the works, I’m optimistic that I can deal with roadblocks much more effectively.
I have no choice, really, because I’ve decided to do this full time.
Sink or swim.
I’ll be talking about the novel in more detail in a later post, but for now, I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned through this process.
A lesson in self doubt
Writing a novel is hard.
Go figure.
With any long-term project, especially a creative one, there’s always an uncomfortable amount of uncertainty and self doubt swirling in the back of your mind.
Is it worth it? Are you wasting your time? Do you really think you could write something that people would pay money for? And on and on…
I dealt with it throughout this entire process in varying degrees. When the words flowed, some of which were good, I could ignore the thoughts.
On other days, when I spent more time deleting words than typing them, the self doubt consumed me.
Those were the days I wanted to throw my laptop across the room. The days I believed that what I was writing was absolute garbage and would never sell. I’d be plagued with these thoughts for days, weeks, and sometimes months.
During those times, I’d only manage to write a couple hundred words a day, if I was lucky.
There were spans of time where I didn’t write a single word because I’d given into the idea that I would never be a writer, and I was complete idiot for think I could be. Who would read the pointless, unentertaining bullshit I was writing?
The thoughts were paralyzing. They are paralyzing. Crippling, even. They bring you to your knees and your writing to a standstill. And if you let them, they can stop you from writing for months or even years.
For some, it could even last a lifetime.
Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of the funk and finish the book. Is it the best book ever written? Hardly, but I’m okay with that. It’s a good first attempt and I know the next one will be better.
But the best lesson I learned was that I wasn’t alone in my suffering and self doubt. Everyone, including those who write for a living, and have for decades, still face the same problems.
Marcus Aurelius once wrote, “Not to assume it’s impossible because you find it hard. But to recognize that if it’s humanly possible, you can do it too.”
If they could pull themselves out of it, then so could I.
The last novel I wrote (it was ANANSI BOYS, in case you were wondering) when I got three-quarters of the way through I called my agent. I told her how stupid I felt writing something no-one would ever want to read, how thin the characters were, how pointless the plot. I strongly suggested that I was ready to abandon this book and write something else instead, or perhaps I could abandon the book and take up a new life as a landscape gardener, bank-robber, short-order cook or marine biologist. And instead of sympathising or agreeing with me, or blasting me forward with a wave of enthusiasm—or even arguing with me—she simply said, suspiciously cheerfully, “Oh, you’re at that part of the book, are you?”
I was shocked. “You mean I’ve done this before?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Not really.”
“Oh yes,” she said. “You do this every time you write a novel. But so do all my other clients.”
I didn’t even get to feel unique in my despair.
-Neil Gaiman, NaNoWriMo Pep Talk
Stephen King tossed the first few pages of Carrie into the trash.
Everyone faces self-doubt when they write. The key is how to manage it so it doesn’t prevent you from even putting pen to paper, or fingers to keys.
For Neil Gaiman, it’s “a process of convincing [himself] that what [he’s] doing in a first draft doesn’t matter.“
The same goes for Anne Lamott, who promotes the idea of writing “shitty first drafts,” or accepting that your first draft isn’t going to be perfect.
Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere. Start by getting something — anything — down on paper. A friend of mine says that the first draft is the down draft — you just get it down. The second draft is the up draft — you fix it up. You try to say what you have to say more accurately. And the third draft is the dental draft, where you check every tooth, to see if it’s loose or cramped or decayed, or even, God help us, healthy.
-Anne Lamott
Keep working, and eventually, that voice of self doubt will soften. It will still be there, but you’ll reach a point where you’ll say “I know it’s shit, but eventually it will be good.”
Even as I was finishing my book, I had to keep reminding myself that a terrible, completed book was better than an amazing book that would be completed.
Writing takes time. Don’t shut yourself down before you have a chance to grow.
What’s next?
More writing.
Right now I’m in research mode, which includes a lot of reading, scanning best seller lists, and brainstorming. It’s one of the most important parts in my process and I’ll be writing more in depth about it in the coming weeks.
I want to document the process of writing and publishing a novel. I haven’t found anyone who actually does this, at least not in the depth I’d like. I know there’s a demand for it because it’s something I wanted to see when I started.
I never cared about seeing the end result; I cared about the process. I cared about seeing the frustrations and setbacks and obstacles that the person faced. All the ugly details that people are ashamed of sharing because they don’t want to be seen as a failure.
There’s an untold story behind the finished product, and it’s sad that it’s never told in it’s entirety.
Although I guess that it’s kind of difficult to do after the fact, which is why I’m going to document my process from the beginning no matter how messy it might be.
I’m at the very beginning of my career, and it’s uncertain where I’ll be in a few years , but I hope that one of these entries that have yet to be written inspires at least one person to put pen to paper.